Loving The Fight Marriage Podcast

Episode 165 | The Dirtiest Word In Marriage - Part 2

• Travis Rosinger and Dawn Rosinger

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What is a dirty word? It's often one that people find repulsive and can't stand the thought of someone saying out loud. Vulgar, dirty words are offensive and worth avoiding at all costs. Yet, there are other dirty words that aren't considered profane and at the same time lack vulgarity. Shocking words that still make almost anyone cringe when they hear them.

Your relationship with your spouse needs one very important dirty word, quite possibly the dirtiest of all words in marriage. It's a word that most find repulsive, but if applied to a husband and wife relationship, it will immediately begin to bring relief to almost all conflict. It will lessen disappointment and can bring a ton of peace and harmony back to any marriage. Not bad for a dirty word, right?

Join hosts Travis and Dawn Rosinger for Part 2 of this two-part series focusing on a word most marriages lack and every marriage needs in large quantities. If you listen and open your heart to the truth they share in this episode, it's likely there will begin to be significant changes in your marriage and in your future. This is an episode just might shock you but one that is guaranteed to change your marriage if you let it!

Travis and Dawn Rosinger are the Loving The Fight Marriage Podcast Hosts and Authors of the books, Verbalosity - 7 Steps to a Verbally Generous and More Fulfilling Marriage and their newest book, Gripping -  What Matters Most | A Life and Relationships That Hold on to You

For more information about Travis and Dawn Rosinger go to Loving The Fight

Travis Rosinger:

It's a new day and a new chance to tell the one you love that you care for them by growing yourself and making your marriage better. Well, hey, with that, we want to welcome you to the Loving the Fight Marriage Podcast. My name is Travis and I'm here with my wife Dawn.

Dawn Rosinger:

Hey everyone, so great to be with you today.

Travis Rosinger:

It is good, it's good to be here just hanging out with you guys, but also we wanted to give you a couple updates, and here's the updates Nothing, yeah, crickets.

Dawn Rosinger:

It's funny. Normally we have so many to give and are like, oh, we actually scheduled time off to do nothing.

Travis Rosinger:

It was great, it was really good. Didn't that fill our buckets? Wasn't that fun?

Dawn Rosinger:

Yes, to be able to be at home and enjoy the Christmas tree, enjoy a fire, honestly, take a nap or two. You know the last couple of days, but we did have some fun. Last night we were able to go and have supper with some friends, so that was great and you had something that you ate that before we got there. I was like hey, you want to split a meal and if you guys don't know, Travis doesn't like to split meal.

Travis Rosinger:

It's hard, it's like a mental you know toughness that I just don't have.

Dawn Rosinger:

And I'm like wait, this is so much, who, let's just split it. So I'm like hey, how about, if it's a really big sandwich, who you split it? Because he found the sausage sandwich he wanted and he's like no, I don't think so. I don't think, come on, what is it? It's massive.

Travis Rosinger:

Yeah. So tell them what you saw when the waitress brought it out, though I saw a picture of it and I was sold, and so then, when she brought it out, I was like, oh my gosh, I made the right decision. It was the biggest, baddest sausage sandwich you have ever seen.

Dawn Rosinger:

And I looked at you right away and I was just like, oh, we definitely could have split this.

Travis Rosinger:

Well, we could have, but I ate almost all of it, down to the last, like three bites, and I felt so good. I think I made the right decision. Yeah, it was a good night, just hanging out with friends, sharing stories with one another but sharing our life stories with one another that was really fun as well. And then today, today's a special day. Yes, we're hanging out with you guys, we're recording this podcast, but we have a bunch of friends coming to our house for a Christmas party.

Dawn Rosinger:

The house is all set, so it gets clean. There's extra food I got to make cookies. So we're going to have a Christmas party with some friends, which would be great because we have some games planned and, honestly, just a chance to enjoy each other.

Travis Rosinger:

It's going to be spectacular and these are people we've been hanging out with for quite a while. So just having fun, digging down deep friendship roots and doing life together and keeping up with one another Absolutely Well. You know about I don't know how many years ago I was 22 years old and I was in my car and you remember this story. I was on my way to work, I was commuting to work and I was on that ramp kind of where there's the lights and you wait for your turn to get on the freeway, so the freeway doesn't get too full and I was behind another car and I had looked down and all of a sudden I looked up and there was a man, a woman, in the driver's seat and a man next to her. And when I looked up, the woman took her purse and she started hitting her husband as hard as she could in the head, like like not just tapping him but with the full weight of her purse.

Travis Rosinger:

And every time she would hit him with the purse his head would like kind of snap and fly against the door on the right side. And I was just like, wait a second, I'm watching a woman assault her husband. She must have hit him like eight or 10 times. And so I thought, man, I got to do something. So I started honking my horn, I yelled out the window to stop and I think she got embarrassed, realized that she was being watched and she stopped. But it was like intense.

Dawn Rosinger:

That's crazy. Not something you want to see at the beginning of your day, not at all, definitely not typical, and I'm glad that you were able to try to do something to stop that from happening. It kind of reminds me of that story, travis, when we were on the beach on vacation and we were with our family and we noticed another family not that far from us they were from another country just because they were speaking a different language and all of a sudden we saw the dad get frustrated with his teenage daughter and she was laying on. He just went over and he started hitting her and I was. I was so mad I jumped up and I ran over them. I get away from her and I just freaked at him and I was right there with you.

Travis Rosinger:

We were both mad. We just got right up in his face.

Dawn Rosinger:

It was horrible. We were like you got to stop. We actually took out our phones, recorded it and were like we're calling the cops, but it was just not a fun thing to see and just so wrong for that dad to do. Well, these are just a few examples of evil's version of submission. There are dysfunctional versions of submission. That is not how or why we should submit or ways to submit.

Dawn Rosinger:

The world's version of submission is that you force others to submit to you and do what you want, but God's version is we are willingly choose to submit ourselves to those we love. You know, one of the most famous verses in the Bible that deals specifically with marriage and we talked about this last week because this is part two, but maybe more specifically than almost any other verse in the Bible is found in Ephesians five. Some believe it can actually be the most important verse or part on marriage in the Bible, and obviously there's other places in the Bible that talk about marriage and give us some really great things to think about, but this is one of the most helpful and, honestly, the most powerful. And, as important as this is, it contains what most people would consider a dirty word.

Travis Rosinger:

Yeah, and that's why this is part two of the dirtiest word in marriage. And so there are a lot of people that coil and or recoil, I should say, or their skin starts to crawl because of this word.

Dawn Rosinger:

You know, it is a word that doesn't maybe seem to work in our world today, a word that contains a character quality that very few people ever encourage others to have, even though it's found right in the Bible. So what is it? And I know we kind of talked about a little bit, but let's dive into what it says in Ephesians five, 21. It says this submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. He is definitely talking about marriage here. That's what he's talking about. Paul is talking about marriage. In the last episode we talked specifically about submitting to one another, and in this episode we want to talk about the idea of doing it out of reverence for Christ. So there it is, the dirty word.

Dawn Rosinger:

That's the word, the S word submit.

Travis Rosinger:

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ yeah, that's a word that's kind of like dropping a bomb. Yeah, people don't love the word submit. I don't think men like the word submit and I don't think women like the word. No one seems to like that word submit and it's almost like our sinful nature deep inside of us, and that as well, just just starts to get aggravated when we hear that word Okay. So to be honest, don, I don't like the word submit.

Travis Rosinger:

You probably don't love the idea of submission all the time fully. Why? Because we're human right and there are some key reasons why it's a dirty word in a lot of marriages. I think part of it is because we all want to exude strength, we want to look strong and at the same time we want to avoid looking weak. And so if we are submitting to somebody else all the time, we feel like, well, I'm not being strong and I look really weak. But also we don't want to be silenced. And sometimes, when you submit to somebody else over and over again, you start to say think to yourself, well, I don't really have a voice or I don't really get what you know, what I want. So you kind of feel like you're silenced and you're losing your own rights to somebody else. And all of us have that, that thing inside of us that says no, no, no, no, no. It should go my way. And that is the problem. We want our way, we are selfish.

Dawn Rosinger:

You know what I have to agree with you. Those are definitely potential downsize, or at least stereotypes of someone who submits. But what does that word actually mean? And why would Paul write those words to Christians back in the first century? You know we're living in a very different world than Paul. Obviously we have all these. You know technology, and just it's so different yeah. So what does it mean for your marriage? For right here, right now? For today, we're going to dig in part two into submit.

Travis Rosinger:

Yeah, what does the word submit mean? What does it look like in marriage and why do it? Why should you, as a wife, submit to your husband, or why should you, as a husband, submit to your wife? I mean, what's the point? Well, I think we first need to go back and we need to remind ourselves why Paul the apostle wrote these words to the Christians in Ephesus during the time of Jesus or right after the time of Jesus. And if he is five, yes, it says that we're to submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. And again, the context is he's definitely talking about submission and marriage. But what we need to remember is Paul, at that moment when he says those words, he actually is about to also launch into a teaching on relationships like other kinds, with the children, with their parents, employees, with employers and then, of course, husbands and wives.

Travis Rosinger:

Now here's an important thing submission. In this context, in Ephesians five, it means that you're putting the needs of the other person above your own. So we're not talking about domination here. We're not talking about beating the other person up. It's saying look, I want to submit and I want, don, what you're looking for. I want to make that happen. I want to put your needs and fulfill your needs and make sure that I'm doing a good job with that. But let's be honest you can't actually have a relationship with anyone who won't submit to you at least some of the time and you won't submit to them at least some of the time.

Dawn Rosinger:

And that's obviously why he talks about that, especially in the context of marriage, because that's exactly what we need to do for each other continually in marriage.

Travis Rosinger:

We need to. But there's two S words, right Submit, that's what keeps yours and my relationship, or a husband and wife relationship done, working well. But the other S word is selfishness, and it's the enemy of submission.

Dawn Rosinger:

Selfishness says my way, it's my way Kind of like last night when you went to split your sandwich with me, I think that's it.

Travis Rosinger:

You wouldn't submit I think that's it.

Dawn Rosinger:

That's obviously a joke.

Travis Rosinger:

Fortunately it wasn't a conflict kind of thing and we had the money to buy a team. But yeah, selfishness says my way, submission says your way. Let me say that again, selfishness says my way, dawn, but submission says your way. Submission and marriage is one of the things that makes marriage work the most. It doesn't hurt our marriage to submit to our spouse.

Dawn Rosinger:

It blesses our marriage and if people could just grasp that concept that it's actually a blessing on your marriage if you're willing to do that, rather than look as as you're losing you know, losing your rights.

Travis Rosinger:

Yeah Well, the kind of submission that Paul's talking about here is when the husband is submitting to the wife and the wife is submitting to the husband. But the point is it's two way and it's constant.

Dawn Rosinger:

Yep.

Travis Rosinger:

That's important, that it's going both directions. Let's be honest If there's a husband and wife relationship of marriage where the wife always submits but the husband never does, that's dysfunctional. That's not what Paul's talking about. Or if the husband's always submitting and the wife's not submitting or giving in, then that is dysfunctional, definitely not what Paul would be talking about. But he's saying look, submit to one another at a reverence for Christ, and let it be something that's ongoing. Yeah, constantly, let it be constant.

Travis Rosinger:

So what does the word submit mean? We're kind of recapping that again. Submit means to give over a yield to the power or authority of another. That's hard, it goes against our pride. But that word submit comes from the Greek word hupotaso, and hupotaso means to place or rank under, to subject or to obey, and so it means that I'm placing myself under, I'm putting myself under somebody else or their power, and so that word hupotaso actually the first part hupo means under and tasso means arranged, so it's under God's arrangement, and what it really does is this, this putting under someone, this arranging. It means that it brings order to a relationship, and we mentioned last week that it also has a military context. It's like you know two officers that maybe have the same rank, but one is submitting themselves under, putting themselves under the authority of the rank of the other officer.

Travis Rosinger:

So there's a lot in this word but it's an important word, and it's really the grease that keeps the wheels of the marriage moving, and you know everything working right.

Dawn Rosinger:

Yeah, absolutely so. Again, it means that if I submit to someone else, I'm choosing to put myself under them and I'm going to. Basically, I'm going to say I'm going to work with them, I'm going to cooperate, I'm going to help carry out the responsibility of whatever it is that we might be about to disagree over. So, for example, I mean we can think about this even just with our kids, like when my kids needed help with their homework when they were younger, maybe with their math. If I would help my son with his math, I was submitting to him through helping him, but it was actually to lift him up to make sure that he was understanding, to lift him up to make him better at math.

Travis Rosinger:

Yeah, let's. Let's dig into that a little bit more, because you didn't need to do math, no you probably wanted to go do something around the house or go have fun or relax. You're you're smarter, more powerful than him. You're the parent, you're more intelligent. But you sat down, took time out of what you wanted, you submitted to his schedule, to his homework that he had, and then you were doing that and you invested in him and made him smarter.

Dawn Rosinger:

Yep, absolutely. The end result was I was lifting him up, making him him better. Well, according to Webster's dictionary, it says submit means to yield oneself to the authority or will of another. It also means to permit oneself to be subjected to something, or to defer to or consent to abide by the opinion or authority of another. So here's the big question. You guys, the big question of this episode is how do you submit to your spouse? We recapped submission, but now we're going to talk about the second half, the how, and it goes on. And Paul talks about it in Ephesians 5, 21,. Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. I think if this verse just said that we should submit to one another and and left it at that, you know that was the period it would actually cause a ton of frustration. But fortunately it doesn't. It gives us the why and actually the how behind submitting to one another. It goes on to say out of reverence for Christ.

Travis Rosinger:

That's so important. We need to think about that a little bit more because, again, in our last episode, we really focused on submitting to one another. Again, it needs to be constant, it needs to be, there's needs to be reciprocity, it needs to go both directions. But this part out of reverence for Christ, this is kind of where the how comes in, or the why, and so I I think it's worth drilling down on.

Dawn Rosinger:

I think the perfect picture of submission that we can get from the Bible is Jesus. So what did he do? By going to the cross, he put our needs above his own. He modeled submission and gave us a great example. He is the ultimate example of submission. So it means following Jesus as an example.

Travis Rosinger:

Yeah, and I think what we're really trying to point out here is when he says out of reverence for Christ, submitting to one another. Yeah, Jesus, he just portrayed this incredible example, but also there's this deep sense of gratitude, and that's part of why he's like when you're, Travis, when you're submitting to your wife, Don, I want you to have the gratitude of Jesus in mind. That makes sense. Why? Because he has given us a gift of salvation and forgiveness. And so think about it. I mean, when someone gives you an expensive gift, what do you do? You show great appreciation for it. Well, Jesus's gifts of forgiveness and salvation are priceless.

Travis Rosinger:

So Paul wants us to remember that when we're submitting to our spouse, it's partly out of gratitude for what Jesus has done for us. Personally, it could be like oh my gosh, you know what, Don? You're pushing my buttons right now. I don't want to submit to you, but I'm so grateful for what Jesus did for me. I'm gonna. I'm gonna front you this. I'm gonna submit to you, I'm gonna. I'm gonna do this because I remember my Lord.

Dawn Rosinger:

So true submission is not weakness. Actually, author Henry Miller says this true strength lies in submission which permits one to dedicate his life through devotion to something beyond himself. That's what true strength is lies in submission.

Travis Rosinger:

Yeah, submit to one another in reverence for Christ, and so ultimately too, it's for Jesus. When we submit to our spouse, we're also doing it for Jesus himself. So again back to you, don. It might be me like thinking to myself I don't feel like submitting to you right now in this little area, but because I can do this as if I'm doing it for Jesus yeah that's good.

Travis Rosinger:

So it's like we're giving a gift back to Jesus. When I submit to you, don, it's like worship to God and I'm able to show that submission to the people around us.

Dawn Rosinger:

I think, honestly, if we keep that mindset, if we remind ourselves that, man, we are actually doing this for God. On those times when it's harder to submit, when there's hey, there's two different opinions coming and you're like I don't want to, or that selfishness creeps up, if we remind ourselves we are actually doing this for God, it's way easier to submit. Oh, man.

Travis Rosinger:

It makes a huge difference, but I think part of it is walking in the spirit and walking close to God. The Bible says that we should pray continually, like all the time, throughout our days, and so we're constantly thinking about Jesus and staying close to God. Then, when somebody our spouse is pushing our buttons and we don't want to submit, we're like wait, if I submit to you right now, I'm doing it for Jesus.

Dawn Rosinger:

Absolutely yep.

Travis Rosinger:

It's so good.

Dawn Rosinger:

When you have conflict with your spouse and someone needs to submit, here's how to do it. You have to remember honestly first, it just blesses your marriage, Travis, when we are in a place where, hey, we both have two different opinions and you look at me and you say you know what I'm going to submit to you Honestly, it builds trust. It really does it and that helps our marriage. It actually blesses our marriage. We need to remember it's for Jesus. It's not a scorecard. We're not saying, hey, one for you, one for me, it's for Jesus. We also need to remember that it kills selfishness in you, man, when I say, hey, yep, Travis, absolutely, we're going to do what you want, it's taking that selfishness and just killing it, Because we all honestly want our own way. We were kind of born selfish. We're in the sandbox as a little kid and we're stealing the shovel or something from anyone or we want to keep it, Because we're kind of selfish, naturally. But it helps kill selfishness.

Travis Rosinger:

I think most humans first, you know it could be in different languages, but their first sentence is give me, give me, or mine, or mine, or mine, mine, yeah, Okay again. So how do you submit? Well, you got to remember that it grows your character by showing moral strength and patience. So in the middle of conflict, tell yourself like, hey, wait a second, if I submit right now, I'm growing in character, I'm growing in patience and I'm the one becoming stronger. Not that you're trying to outdo your spouse, but I could do this, but instead I'm going to do this. And so you're showing self-control. But it also allows you to decide what really matters most in conflict. I mean, think about it Most conflict is petty.

Dawn Rosinger:

It absolutely is we have argued or had conflict over the goofyest little things. Some of the dumbest things Like.

Travis Rosinger:

so you know. Basically it's just stopping and saying is this a hill to die on? If I submit, if I give in right now, I'm saying no, it's not a hill worth dying on it. So really beginning to just it allows you to kind of think that through and to decide. But it also will plant a seed for a long-term marriage, growth and longevity. And so when you submit, you're saying that you want your marriage to be healthy and strong for a lifetime, not just in this moment when you get your way and then your spouse is frustrated and it kind of blows up your night or week. No, you submit and you're like this is not my hill to die in. I love this person, I want to do it for Jesus. I want to put that seed in the ground for a lifelong marriage.

Travis Rosinger:

So, these are some of the things of the why's or the I should say the how's, of how to do it.

Dawn Rosinger:

I think I just want to add something. I honestly think that when you submit to your spouse, you're actually building trust Cause you're saying, okay, I trust you and then honestly, most of the time it actually goes the better way, it's the better direction. So you're beginning to trust your spouse. You can see the results of that submission and ultimately it just helps your marriage to become way stronger.

Travis Rosinger:

And the opposite of that is selfishness which depletes trust.

Dawn Rosinger:

It does, it's like oh.

Travis Rosinger:

I'm just looking out for myself. No wonder why my spouse doesn't trust me.

Dawn Rosinger:

I think it's time to make sure that we help change the dirty word. It doesn't have to be submit. If we actually look at the root and what is submission, what does it mean to submit? Honestly, it's greater for our marriage. We should be excited. That should be next to love, love, let's submit.

Travis Rosinger:

Yeah, it's my chance to be like Jesus. That's what submitting is.

Dawn Rosinger:

All right, we just want to thank you for listening to this episode of the Love in the Fight Marriage Podcast. Remember, guys, you can do it. You got this. Keep loving the fight, we'll see you next time.