Loving The Fight Marriage Podcast

Episode 164 | The Dirtiest Word In Marriage - Part 1

• Travis Rosinger and Dawn Rosinger

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What is a dirty word? It's often one that people find repulsive and can't stand the thought of someone saying out loud. Vulgar, dirty words are offensive and worth avoiding at all costs. Yet, there are other dirty words that aren't considered profane and at the same time lack vulgarity. Shocking words that still make almost anyone cringe when they hear them.

Your relationship with your spouse needs one very important dirty word, quite possibly the dirtiest of all words in marriage. It's a word that most find repulsive, but if applied to a husband and wife relationship, it will immediately begin to bring relief to almost all conflict. It will lessen disappointment and can bring a ton of peace and harmony back to any marriage. Not bad for a dirty word, right?

Join hosts Travis and Dawn Rosinger for Part 1 of this two-part series focusing on a word most marriages lack and every marriage needs in large quantities. If you listen and open your heart to the truth they share in this episode, it's likely there will begin to be significant changes in your marriage and in your future. This is an episode just might shock you but one that is guaranteed to change your marriage if you let it!

Travis and Dawn Rosinger are the Loving The Fight Marriage Podcast Hosts and Authors of the books, Verbalosity - 7 Steps to a Verbally Generous and More Fulfilling Marriage and their newest book, Gripping -  What Matters Most | A Life and Relationships That Hold on to You

For more information about Travis and Dawn Rosinger go to Loving The Fight

Dawn Rosinger:

Well, hello, we are kicking off our day thinking about how we can challenge and encourage you and us in our marriages. With that, we want to welcome you to the Love in the Fight Marriage Podcast. My name is Dawn and I'm sitting here with my husband and my co-host on our day off, Travis.

Travis Rosinger:

Yeah, it's our day off. We're sleeping in today, but really enjoying just some margin just to be able to hang out and relax. But we get to hang out with you guys as well and we are hoping that you and your lives and you as individuals are getting some margin.

Dawn Rosinger:

It's funny when we say that we sleep in, that just means we don't set our alarm. We're still kind of morning, early risers, and so we get up, but we just don't have to set our alarm before bed and, honestly, last night we were probably up till about midnight, which is a little bit later than normal, but it's so fun to have a day off. Well, since we were with you last, there's something really cool that happened in our life. We just got to meet officially grandbaby number five. Peter David came into this world about a week ago and we got to go down to Ames and meet him officially. He came out great, seven pounds strong, but a few hours later his lungs kind of he was having a struggle breathing and so they put him on an antibiotic case pneumonia and gave him some oxygen. But officially yesterday they got out of the hospital. They're home as a family of five and it's great. We love being grandparents and have baby number five, grandbaby number five. They're all three years and under. It's incredible season of our life.

Travis Rosinger:

It really is, and he's strong and healthy and he was at home and his brothers were kind of bouncing around him and everybody was just hanging out. It was so fun to be able to hold their grandson and just love on him. But man, is he doing a well and we're so grateful to have him in our family.

Dawn Rosinger:

I know you guys, we talk about our family a lot. We just love being parents, love being grandparents, love relationships, but, man, one of our main values that we have in life beyond Jesus, is just really being relationally connected to our kids and our grandkids. Well, so we have this highlight of our week, but then there was something that happened that was out of the ordinary for me this last week, and it was this I got a letter in the mail about a month ago and I was summons to jury duty. And this was my second time officially being summons, the first time we actually were moving out of the county. So then, you know, it wasn't relevant at that point it couldn't serve.

Dawn Rosinger:

But this last week I had to go in, so we had a grandbaby, we were down in Ames and then I call in and, sure enough, I had to show up for jury duty. And it was kind of bummer timing in the sense of I had something that I was looking forward to. We have our big staff Christmas party with all the staff like 400 people at our church, and it was going to. You know, we were going to get together and have this Christmas party during the day, during a work day, and sure enough, I had to report for jury duty.

Travis Rosinger:

Yeah, you got totally bumped out of that really fun opportunity. Oh, I was so sad. What a bummer you got the shaft. I'm so sorry.

Dawn Rosinger:

I was totally trying to have a great attitude. You could tell I was bummed. My eyes, you know, I couldn't really focus very much. My eyes were filled with tears when I got called in and you looked at me and you said, hey, you never know, don, you know you could possibly be meeting your new best friend at jury duty. And in that moment I wasn't super appreciative of that comment because I was kind of pouting and having a pity party.

Dawn Rosinger:

But then the next morning I woke up and I thought, you know, I was praying and reading my Bible and there's a reason for everything, right. I'm not sure why the timing is right now, I'm not sure why I have to miss our all staff Christmas party, but I'm just trusting God. And I don't know exactly the reason yet why I was called in. I was there for two days. They drilled me, went through all the questions and then at the end I didn't end up getting picked, anyways. People were laughing at me. They're like well, who picks pastors? Man, jury duty anyways. But anyways, that was kind of a low light of my week. But now, hey, you know what Life is good.

Travis Rosinger:

So maybe God was just wanting to give you a preview of your future second career as an attorney a lawyer.

Dawn Rosinger:

I'm just kidding. I don't think you would want that.

Travis Rosinger:

I'm a little bit more of the litigator arguer than you are, so for sure. Well, hey, to kick off this week's episode, we have a few potentially unnerving and I say unnerving because they were unnerving for us.

Dawn Rosinger:

In the moment they were yes.

Travis Rosinger:

Yeah, conflict inducing stories from our past in our marriage, some things that we had to work through, some decisions that we had to make, and when I think of that, you know that setup of what I just shared with you of unnerving or conflict inducing. I think of our recent. This would have been about probably a year and a half, two years ago. We were looking for a new but used SUV, and so we were kind of scouring the used car market.

Dawn Rosinger:

We had saved up some money. We wanted to buy something with cash, so we were ready to go pick it out.

Travis Rosinger:

Yeah, and it would be new to us. And so we were looking around. We wanted to get something with low miles but high quality brand car and or SUV. And so we were looking around, doing our due diligence a good job and we had found one that I really liked. I was like, oh, you know, yeah, it's a little bit more money than we want to spend, but it's this high quality brand car, suv and and, and it had lower miles. But you know, we did drive away and we're like, ah yeah, but I was kind of still leaning more towards it.

Travis Rosinger:

And then, all of a sudden, you Don, you found one that you just got super excited about. You're like, wait a second, this just popped down the market. We should go look at this. Maybe we should buy this. And I was a little bit more hesitant. I was like, okay, I'll go look at it. And I wasn't really feeling it. But thanks to you and your wisdom and you finding this, we were the first ones to call on it. They let us go to the dealership. It was actually at a dealer.

Dawn Rosinger:

It was at the dealership which I was drawn to, because the car that you were looking at was at a car lot.

Travis Rosinger:

So there was a little bit hesitant, but the dealership caught my eye, yeah it did, and so we went in there and, sure enough, we saw it and it was gorgeous, beautiful. They were doing some work on it, but that it needed to get done, but they were actually making the vehicle better and so Gorgeous for us in the price range that we were looking at.

Dawn Rosinger:

Maybe some people's terms are like oh, but practical, low miles, it was a good deal.

Travis Rosinger:

It was not an $80,000.

Dawn Rosinger:

SUV. But no, we would never actually probably have it, but it was nice the point is is you really wanted it?

Travis Rosinger:

after you saw it and after we thought it through, looked at it, talked about it and, of course, knowing how much you wanted it, I let you make that pick. I was just okay, let's go with it. This is what you want, let's do it.

Dawn Rosinger:

You know what that particular dilemma that we had didn't produce tears, but there is one that we had earlier in our marriage that definitely produced tears. It was more of a conflict and it came down to two houses. Travis had found a house that he really liked, felt like that we were supposed to purchase it. I found, honestly, the exact same house, like three blocks away, that someone had already lived in for a year. So it had all the extra stuff like the window curtains, the AC, the grass, where the house that you found, even though you felt like we were supposed to live there, was brand new, so it didn't have any extras. They were probably kind of around the same price range, but one was on a cul-de-sac, one was on a street. Anyways, very similar houses.

Dawn Rosinger:

I was dead set on the one that someone had lived in for a year. I was. So I'm like, oh my word, it's moving ready, we don't have to finish the basement, it'd be a great house to have. And you're like, nope, we're supposed to be on this cul-de-sac in this house, and so it. Honestly, even in front of our realtor, I had tears in my eyes. He saw me cry because I was like I really wanted a different house. But you found this other house and you've really felt like, hey, we need to move forward, more of a spiritual type thing. And so at the end of the day, I just had to look at you and say, okay, I trust you, I trust that you, you know that's the right decision and I gave in and we bought that house.

Travis Rosinger:

Yeah, and the good news is the car or the SUV that you picked out worked. Yeah, again, not tears, but some conflict or resistance. Like I had my opinion, you had yours, and then the house that we ended up buying and ended up being great for our kids.

Dawn Rosinger:

I have to say that, yeah, you made a good decision, great about, about selling it.

Travis Rosinger:

You know being able to sell it when God did finally move us on. But the point isn't whether you were right or I were. Who was right. The point is is that you gave in and I gave in Right. You know, we kind of had that give and take, even though it was in the middle of a potentially really high level conflict.

Dawn Rosinger:

if we would have let it, you know, I'm sure you're wondering right now why did we tell you these stories? Honestly, because within both of these potentially conflict written scenarios, there was a key ingredient that allowed us to actually move our marriage lives and our family forward, and this ingredient is found in the Bible. It's in one of the most famous verses in the Bible that deals specifically with marriage, maybe more specifically than almost any other verses in the Bible, and it's found in Ephesians 5. Some believe, honestly, it could be the most important part on marriage in the Bible. Of course, you know there's other places in the Bible that focus on marriage and give us some really great things to think through, but this is one of the most helpful and the most powerful it absolutely is.

Travis Rosinger:

Couldn't agree more.

Dawn Rosinger:

And you know what is important as this is, it contains what most would think is kind of a dirty word, a word that might make your skin crawl, a word that doesn't seem to work in our world today, a word that contains a character quality that very few people ever encouraged others to have, even though it's found in the Bible. Well, you know what is this word? What is this verse? This word? It is this.

Travis Rosinger:

We're gonna dive into what it says in Ephesians 5, 21.

Dawn Rosinger:

And this is a verse submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. And Paul is the writer of this chapter, but he is definitely talking about marriage here, and here it is again submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. There it is. The cat's out of the bag. The word, the dirty word, maybe some people would consider it a cuss word, whatever, but the dirty word has been said and it was the first word in that verse. It was the word submit.

Travis Rosinger:

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's. Why is it a dirty word? Or why does it make people cringe? Because it's like oh, that means me, that's really pointed, that's hard, that it's talking directly at me and how I'm supposed to treat you, don, or how you're supposed to treat me, and it just doesn't sound like fun. No, not at all.

Dawn Rosinger:

Why Because?

Travis Rosinger:

I don't get my way.

Dawn Rosinger:

I remember going through premarital counseling and they're like, okay, submit, I'm like wait, what does that mean? And actually people ask us that all the time in some of our premarital counseling, more so in the past, but that word comes up quite often.

Travis Rosinger:

Yeah, yeah, and it should, because, like you kind of set it up and it's true, Don, this is literally one of the most premier portions of the Bible that talk about marriage. I mean, when it comes to marriage, this is the first like one. Stop not shopping, but like start with this point in the Bible if you want to focus on marriage and then jump around to other parts that talk about marriage. So back to the question why is this such a despised word? Well, of course, there's a cultural predisposition to be independent, to be myself, to assert ourselves and to find ourselves and to be strong and to find one's own path Right. Yep, we are raised from when we were, aren't we Don? From where we're just little. We're raised with this notion or this idea of being strong and encouraged to be that way and not to be truly interdependent but be independent, to have the ability to depend on ourselves and to thrive.

Dawn Rosinger:

I keep thinking of that fast food jingle have it your way. I think is that Burger King have it your way. That's kind of what is always drilled in our brain.

Travis Rosinger:

It really is, and I think another reason why it's such a despised word, this idea of submission, is because the word submit might also make us cringe, because embedded within it is just maybe this idea or quality that kind of makes us feel weak. Well, if I submit to you, don, then I've given in or I've backed down and I'm a pushover, or I'm someone who has lost the fight and will never get what I want in life. So, man, I'm just exuding weakness. Or if I submit, then my voice has been silenced. Now what I think or what I say doesn't matter, and so that's maybe a hesitation or a cringe moment as we think about submit.

Travis Rosinger:

Of course, it's also the idea that I don't want to be the other person's slave. What if they just want to take advantage of me? If I give in now, they're going to keep wanting me to give in and then they're never going to, in return, give that back. And so, yes, those are some of the potential downsides, or at least the stereotypes, of someone who submits. But what does the word actually mean? And why would Paul the apostle, why would he write those words to Christians back in the first century? Well, of course we're living in a very different world than what Paul lived in. So what does it mean for your marriage right here, right now, for today? What does the word submit mean and what does it look like in marriage, practically speaking?

Dawn Rosinger:

I think, before we talk about what the word submit means, we need to just answer the question why submit? What's the point? We first need to back up and remind ourselves why Paul actually wrote these words in Ephesians 5. Yes, when he said submit to one another out of reverence for Christ, he was talking about submission in marriage, but he was also about to launch into a teaching on all relationships marriage relationships, children with parents, employees with their employers. You guys, let's be honest, you can't actually have a relationship with anyone who won't submit to you and you won't submit to them.

Dawn Rosinger:

You guys, we submit to others constantly. We submit to people. Every time we get in the car and drive and we get on the fru, we're submitting that they're going to be great drivers and that we're actually going to be taking a risk and hopefully they're obeying the laws and staying in the lane. We submit to a pilot when we get on an airplane just hey, he's going to be at the controllers, we're going to be in the back. We're submitting that he's going to get us from one place to another safely.

Dawn Rosinger:

We also submit to cooks as goofy as it sounds when we go to restaurants, we're submitting that they aren't going to drop our food. They're going to cook it to the right temperature.

Travis Rosinger:

They're not going to spit in our food, or if they drop our food, we're submitting to the idea that they'll at least dust off the dirt and the hair.

Dawn Rosinger:

Yeah, make sure that we don't know that. It was on the floor already. But honestly, you guys, even when we submit to friends just think about this Friends who maybe want to go out to eat and maybe go to a concert. For example, one friend says they will drive and the other friend says they'll prepay for the concert tickets online the one friend submits to the other friend as they allow themselves to be driven around by someone else. It's a giving up of control and authority of being the one in charge of the vehicle and the direction that it's actually going. So you're submitting to them as they're driving. The other friend who is driving has submitted to the authority and the power of the other friend, trusting that they have purchased the tickets in advance and will have an electronic version on them so they can both get into the concert. Yes, this is submission on a very low level, but it is the basis for almost any relationship.

Travis Rosinger:

Yeah, relationships don't work if there isn't submission. And I love your example, Don. I mean, like getting into the car. If I get in a car with you, you have a different driving style than I have, and so we submit to each other Like. I'm a little faster and kind of dart around and you're a little slower and get us there a little bit later, but we're submitting to each other, and even the things that we don't love about that experience, we're still submitting.

Dawn Rosinger:

Relationships can't start without submission. That's why Paul starts talking about how we all need to submit to one another out of reverence for Christ, because any relationship without some level of submission doesn't work and will ultimately come to an end. And knowing this should cause us to want to change our thinking about submission in marriage. Submission in marriage one of the things that makes marriage work the most. Honestly, it doesn't hurt marriage, it actually it blesses our marriage.

Travis Rosinger:

So again going back to that question, what does the word submit mean? Well, according to Collins' dictionary, the word submit means to give over or yield to the power or authority of another, and that's actually pretty clear. It's painful.

Travis Rosinger:

It's not easy, but it's pretty clear. Well, we wanted to look it up. You know that word when Paul says submit to one another in Christ. We wanted to look that up in the original Greek and so I pulled it up in my inner linear Bible and then went to the Strong's Concordance and it comes from that word. Submit is the Greek word hupotaso, and this hupotaso means to place or rank under, to subject or to obey. But when we looked it up as well, that word and kind of did a further word study, it literally means under. That's what hypo means, and tasso means to arrange. So, donna, as I put myself under you and I submit to you this idea, so I've done the hypo. Now the tasso is. There's order.

Travis Rosinger:

There's some arrangement in our marriage and it actually works Now, according to the New Testament Greek lexicon, here's what it says about that word a Greek military term, submit meaning to arrange in a military fashion under the command of a leader, but in a non-military use it says it was a voluntary attitude of giving in, of cooperating, assuming responsibility and carrying burden.

Dawn Rosinger:

I like that word voluntary.

Travis Rosinger:

Yeah.

Dawn Rosinger:

Like, you're choosing, you're voluntarily, you know, having an attitude of giving in, of assuming. I love that.

Travis Rosinger:

Yeah, and again, it means that if I submit to someone else, I'm choosing to put myself under them. I'm going to work with them, cooperate and help carry the responsibility of whatever it is that we might be about to disagree over. Okay, we're going to disagree, I'm going to submit to you and now, even though it's not what I wanted, I'm going to help carry that responsibility Again. According to Collins, it means to give over or to yield to the power or authority of another.

Dawn Rosinger:

All right, you know, let's just talk about the elephant in the room. Submitting is so hard sometimes.

Travis Rosinger:

Oh man, it's so hard, so difficult.

Dawn Rosinger:

You know what? There's reasons sometimes that I don't want to submit and honestly, it comes down to this Sometimes I'm just selfish, I want what I want, I want my own way. I remember when we were growing up and with the kids there's so many times that we'd have family night and you like Taco Bell, the kids love Taco Bell. So there was always a vote hey, let's go to Taco Bell. And I would be like no, I don't want Taco Bell. I'd get frustrated and I'm like I don't want Taco Bell, why? Just because I wanted my own way, and so sometimes submitting and that's such a goofy little thing, but it's because I want my own way sometimes.

Travis Rosinger:

Yeah, and I think submitting is the elephant in the room is so hard because I feel like when I submit, honestly, I have the right opinion, like I'm right, and so when I submit, it feels like I'm saying I'm wrong. And because I'm so right and because I've got everything together and you're always wrong, don, then submitting just feels hard, and of course I'm joking and goofy, but sometimes that's what I'm thinking in my mind I'm right, why would I want to submit to you?

Dawn Rosinger:

I really think the point of what Paul was saying, the point is just mutual submission, and that's what he was suggesting. Thinking about a world where we honor each other's opinions is absolutely amazing. Why? Because everyone is heard. We can make more well thought through decisions. When there's that mutual submission, we offend each other much less and negative conflict can be avoided. Conflict is there, but there is a quick solution provided when mutual submission just naturally occurs. This world of mutual submission sounds absolutely amazing. If it works, if that's the way it actually plays out, it's possible and it can actually be achieved within the context of any relationship, but especially in the context of marriage.

Travis Rosinger:

Yeah. So how about some practical application to Paul's words when he said submit to one another out of reverence for Christ? Well, here's the, here's the tough part, the the application side. Someone has to go first.

Dawn Rosinger:

Yeah, and that's no fun Ouch that hurts.

Travis Rosinger:

I mean, that's the toughest part. Do I trust them? I mean, well, I ever get what I want in return if I go first. Yet here's the thing submitting to your spouse starts to build up the trust bank and Kind of like a regular bank account with money in it, the trust bank. You know, when you submit to your spouse you then start to have a higher balance for when you might ask them for their Williness to submit to your idea, your desire in the future. So start making those deposits and say you know, like this isn't that important, it's important to you, I'm gonna submit to you. And what does that do? Well, they're less likely to think that you're going to betray them because you're submitting to them on a regular basis. And so, hey, they start to want. It creates goodwill. They want to submit as well back, and it's kind of like what I would call the house effect and or their house effect. I'm not sure what to call it, but it's kind of that idea.

Travis Rosinger:

When your kids are at your own house, they kind of act like little devils sometimes, right, but then they go to their friend's house where the parents of those friends are acting like your kids are, like Perfect angels that they never make mistakes, and it's kind of that idea when you know you're at somebody else's house, you know that you've got to act differently. And we do that as adults. When we're over at somebody else's house, we know that they have their own house rules. So as I'm drinking a glass of whatever it is cold something, and it's got all the the water on the outside, it's kind of sweating, perspiring I go to put it down on their wood coffee table. Before I do, I immediately look around to see if there's a coaster that I can put it on so I don't damage their Beautiful wood coffee table.

Travis Rosinger:

On the same way, marriage and and this really comes from Tim Keller, I love his statement marriage is God's house, it's God's house and so, just like we think, when we're at somebody else's house, what are, what's their rules? Well, when we got married, we agreed to God's rules of marriage. So submitting to one another is God's rule for marriage and really any relationship. It's probably the number one rule because it fights Selfishness inside of us.

Dawn Rosinger:

So if those are God's rules for marriage and for any relationship, we just have to stop and ask ourselves how are we doing? How are we doing in this Travis? Are we submitting to each other in our marriage, or how are you guys doing today? You know whoever's listening is. How are you doing? What needs to change inside of you to get you to the point of being willing to submit to your spouse? Maybe it's just letting go of past hurt, forgiving, forgetting and moving on, or maybe it's choosing to respect each other Over disrespecting each other. Is it being a better listener or letting go of your anger? You know? What is it actually going to take where you can say you know I'm going to submit to my spouse?

Travis Rosinger:

Yeah, and I think in reality, we could just ask ourselves, oh, why get married? Or, for that matter, why even fall in love, why even try at all? And, and I think it's it's submission, you know, grows us and makes us stronger.

Dawn Rosinger:

CS Lewis says this to love it all is to be vulnerable. Love anything in your heart Will be wrong and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries, avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket safe, dark, motionless, airless it will change, it will not be broken, it will become unbreakable, in penetratable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable and honestly we Agree with CS Lewis to love is to be vulnerable, and Paul the apostle would add to love is to be vulnerable enough to submit To your spouse. That's what he was talking about in Ephesians.

Travis Rosinger:

Yeah, so we've been talking about the word submit what it is, and particularly mutual submissions. So in our next episode we want to dig more into the why and the how of submitting to one another.

Dawn Rosinger:

I think it's time to make that word submit not be a dirty word in marriage anymore.

Travis Rosinger:

Yeah, I think that's a great idea. Well, hey, we want to thank you guys for listening to this episode of the loving the fight marriage podcast.

Dawn Rosinger:

Remember, guys, you can do it. You got this. Keep loving the fight. We'll see you next time you.