Loving The Fight Marriage Podcast

Episode 161 | Stop, Listen and Do Something

• Travis Rosinger and Dawn Rosinger

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Is your spouse okay? How do you know? Have you had a conversation with them lately asking them how they are REALLY doing?

We help so many people at work, in our extended family, and in our neighborhoods. So often we just want to be present, ready and willing to jump in and lend a hand. If that's you, that's awesome! That means you are trying to be a good human, trying to live the way that Jesus would want you to live. But what about your spouse? When was the last time you looked them in the eye and had a deep conversation about how they are doing? Are you ready to stop, listen and do something if you suddenly hear and see the warning signs that your spouse is in need and hurting?

Join hosts Travis and Dawn Rosinger as they talk through key steps to help any couple in their marriage be the kind of spouse that shows concern, kindness and care. This episode will cause you to reflect on how your spouse might be doing and your readiness to jump in and help them!

Travis and Dawn Rosinger are the Loving The Fight Marriage Podcast Hosts and Authors of the books, Verbalosity - 7 Steps to a Verbally Generous and More Fulfilling Marriage and their newest book, Gripping -  What Matters Most | A Life and Relationships That Hold on to You

For more information about Travis and Dawn Rosinger go to Loving The Fight

Travis Rosinger:

All right, we're here, we're ready and we are so glad that you have joined us. Thanks so much for dropping in today. My name is Travis Rosinger and I am sitting here with my wife and my co-host, don Rosinger.

Dawn Rosinger:

Hey, everyone so pumped to be with you guys. We woke up this morning and on my drive into work, the sun was out, it was bright, there was not a cloud in the sky and I remember Travis, this morning we were praying as I was driving in. I was like God, help me to be as excited on the cloudy days as I am this morning. So it was just such a beautiful morning, reminding me that God's mercies are new every morning, and just in the beautiful sky was just incredible thing to wake up to this morning, and then you opened your eyes and it got sunnier.

Dawn Rosinger:

Yes or were?

Travis Rosinger:

you driving with your eyes closed.

Dawn Rosinger:

Obviously, when we're praying and driving, I'm driving with my eyes open. I'm so glad.

Travis Rosinger:

Unless we have a Tesla, then you're okay.

Dawn Rosinger:

You can do that.

Travis Rosinger:

Well, you know, this has been a great week. We kind of been laying low, flying under the radar, just kind of kicking back, relaxing. We didn't really have to travel this week, and so we've done some really fun things on our time off. Normally, of course, we load up our week with lots of great work, ministry and and just enjoying what we do for our professions, but then we like to play hard. We do.

Dawn Rosinger:

Yep, but you know this, last week we actually stopped and we scheduled in some time what we're going to be at home and have some rest and some fun stuff around home, but just really enjoying the home that God's given us. So we stayed home for a couple of days. On our days off, you know, we got some extra rest. We did go to supper with some really dear friends, which was fun. At night we set up our Christmas tree, which I was excited about because right now it's before Thanksgiving I'm not sure we need to listen to this podcast, but before Thanksgiving setting it up. So a little bit older than ordinary, but that was so much fun.

Travis Rosinger:

Oh, it was great. And what's so cool is we didn't just set up our Christmas tree, we moved it.

Dawn Rosinger:

It's in a new location. We got a whole new spot.

Travis Rosinger:

Yeah, it was in our living room, which is on the same floor as our family room, but this time we moved the Christmas tree, set it up to our family room right next to our fireplace.

Dawn Rosinger:

Yeah, so it'll be right next to the stockings, the fireplace.

Travis Rosinger:

There's more room, which is great, but yeah, we turned the lights on and it was right by the fireplace and it just looks so beautiful, so cozy. It's like we're ready for Christmas, but we're ready for a terrible winter.

Dawn Rosinger:

No, no, don't say that, snowy winter.

Travis Rosinger:

We're going to be snuggled up around that, that Christmas tree, and the fire is going to be raging. It's going to be awesome.

Dawn Rosinger:

But that worked out good, right, I'm going to believe that it's going to be a very warm winter and we're not going to have a lot of snow.

Travis Rosinger:

So that would be nice. Don't burst my bubble. Not realistic, but that would be nice.

Dawn Rosinger:

You know what we did? An interesting thing, though on Friday night we went to a movie and it was called After Death, and it was a very good movie. It actually was a documentary, like a two hour documentary. Yes, that really just talked about death.

Travis Rosinger:

And we went to see this movie at our favorite movie theater in another state, Wisconsin, but it really is only about like 40 minutes from our house Not that far. But back to the movie. The movie was fabulous Like no it's not like the number one grossing movie in the whole world and it. You know it's not going to blow your mind, but it blew our minds. It was. It's that good.

Dawn Rosinger:

Very good.

Travis Rosinger:

It's so good? Why? Because they talked about death and what it's like to die and what all these people that you know once they're dead. What do they experience as they are standing there next to their lifeless body? What they experienced, as they, you know, end up in a place that feels like heaven or hell. It was crazy.

Dawn Rosinger:

And they were really cool. Yeah, they were legitimately dead. I mean, some a lady had drowned, another gentleman was in a car accident, there was a plane crash. There was just numerous ways that these people had died and they had all these death experiences and they all had very similar experiences. When they came back to life, you know, god brought them back and they were able to explain what happened to them and it was super encouraging Even the ones that maybe were struggling in an area and they died and they were going towards a dark place and how they cried out to God and that moment God kind of grabbed them and pulled them back and it was just a very encouraging movie and just when I think about death, it just made death seem even more peaceful.

Travis Rosinger:

Yeah, super encouraging. I think part of it is because no one ever just sits around and talks about, hey, what's life going to be like after death, and and and what does the Bible say? And so it was really really insightful, really fun I think you may have used this word on, but encouraging, it was encouraging. We walked away and we're like, hey, we actually want to die, like not right now, but we want to die, like we want to go to heaven, we want to be near Jesus and in heaven and experiencing all that love and all that light. And it also, you know, I think it's it's something that's really important for all of us to be thinking about on a regular basis, because we're all going to die.

Dawn Rosinger:

It's kind of relevant right. It's something not to fear at all. Honestly, because of our relationship with Jesus, we know we're going to spend eternity and we have this hope, but the process of dying itself is what fear. You know a lot of people fear and so just kind of looking at these people's lives and the documentary and just the wisdom that they've gained from these situations just was fascinating.

Travis Rosinger:

Yeah, it's a must see. I highly recommend it. We don't endorse a lot of movies or TV shows or, you know, books or whatever, but wow, that is one that is fabulous because it really gets you to think.

Dawn Rosinger:

Yep, again, it's called after death. That was the name of the movie. Well, while we were off on our few days, we went to Sam's Club. We had to get some groceries. I mean, obviously, by the end of the week our house is out of food, so we have to go and why are you looking at me that way? Or you're going to a quick trip and grab your bananas. Travis loves bananas, so quick trip is his banana stop.

Dawn Rosinger:

I'm addicted or twice weekly. But we went to Sam's Club and we needed to pick up a few things, and so it was kind of a busier afternoon and we went through the line. And then you know, after you go through the line at Sam's Club, then you have to go through another line. Right when you go to leave the the store you have to show them your receipt and they want to make sure you're not stealing anything.

Travis Rosinger:

They want to pay for your stuff.

Dawn Rosinger:

Well, we're standing in this line and all of a sudden we could hear kind of a ruckus in the background and as the the noise got louder, we realized there was this little girl that was Screaming and running and running from like one side I mean one side of the store all the way to the other side. And then she came by our line as we were going, trying to, you know, go out the door, and there's this other you know enclosed area where people pick up their, their orders, and she ran all the way through there and she was literally just screaming and all these people were looking at her, wondering you know why she screamed, but not willing to help her. And even a couple of the workers said why is she in our area? Why, why is she screaming? And I kept going oh, my word, she just lost her parents. Like yeah, she's lost, she doesn't know where her mom or dad is.

Dawn Rosinger:

It to me it was so obvious. I'm like why isn't anyone helping her? And she's running through this enclosed area. And also I'm like I know that I can help her. I Stepped out of line, which was an inconvenience, but I'm like, no, I'm gonna help this little girl. I stepped out of line and she ran out of this enclosed area and I put my arms out and she just jumped in my arms and like grabbed.

Travis Rosinger:

Under me, squeeze me and she stopped screaming.

Dawn Rosinger:

Screaming. She had this panic look on her face like where's my mom, where's my dad. And I just looked at her. I'm like it's okay, we'll find your mom, we'll find your dad. And I turned around and I began to walk and, sure enough, on the other side of a store the store we saw the parents of walking or running frantically looking for their daughter. And I walked up to them and they were reunited and his daughter was just happy as can be. And you know, the dad said thank you so much, but I was not gonna let her not be helped. She was looking for something, she was lost and I'm like, how can I help her? And when she know, when I embraced her For that moment, she was so Grateful she was in her a three-year-old sort of way and the most adorable little girl.

Travis Rosinger:

And it was funny from my perspective again, that Voice and just running it was like and it just kept getting closer and closer and also and wham, she's right there. But it was funny because, like you said, don, people just kind of looked and they got annoyed and irritated. One worker, a gentleman, looked at me and and he just walked off and he said these words he's like I'm not gonna deal with that. And he walked the other direction and I thought, wait, is that her dad? Just kind of what? And it wasn't, it was just a Stranger that could have helped, somebody that was right there that could have helped and said, hey, sweetie, let's go find your mom and dad. But he just walked off super annoyed, super irritated. But when you knelt down and you reached out your arms, she was pumped.

Dawn Rosinger:

Well, I again. I was just shocked because either people were ignoring it which I don't know how they could ignore her, because she was very loud screaming like bloody murder for her mom and dad or they just completely turned around and walked the other way. I'm like we have to help. And so I that story. We talked about it afterwards as we were driving home. I'm like why didn't anyone help her? Why didn't they just stop? I mean, it was just a simple Inconvenience, maybe because I had to step out of line, but it didn't matter, I wanted to help this girl. It's funny because in Proverbs 3, 27, it says this do not withhold good from those to whom it is due when it is in your power to act yeah, and that verse something had do some.

Dawn Rosinger:

That's exactly what that verse says. Let me repeat it do not withhold good from those to whom it is due when it is in your power to act. There was like probably 50 people there that could have helped this little girl at any moment and they didn't, and I was probably the furthest way. We were honestly walking out the door and I'm like, no, we are going to you gotta do something.

Travis Rosinger:

Yeah, I'm we. Could, you know, swap out the word good and we get to do not withhold the help From those to whom it is due when it is in your power to act right and I think most of the time it's rare, but most of the time it's within our power- act absolutely is.

Travis Rosinger:

If we're there in the middle of something bad that's going down, or something inconvenient, or somebody's stressed out or in absolute need, it's in our power to help and we need to do something. We don't want to withhold that good or that help that we can give to somebody else.

Dawn Rosinger:

Yes, we all have that ability to help others. I know that life can get busy and complicated and it's honestly, it's really easy to just stay in our own lanes and not look up or to help others, maybe in their need, because life just gets busy. And this is more common with strangers or people that maybe we're not super close with or have a relationship with. But I know this can happen in marriage as well and we have seen this in our own. Marriage has happened to us at times where life and work really gets so busy and we get distracted and we don't see each other's needs and maybe one of us is struggling in an area or maybe doggling, paddling and we're just too busy to see it.

Dawn Rosinger:

I remember specifically, travis, when you were a full-time pastor. You were writing messages every week, you were leading a church, you're finishing your master's degree, you're fathering to, you know, elementary-aged kids. Your life was so stretched beyond belief and at times I just felt like I just didn't have access to you, not because you didn't care or you weren't willing, but because your schedule was just so full.

Travis Rosinger:

Yeah, that was a crazy time, super, super intense, and I totally agree with you and in that moment you know if you needed help. It would have been hard for me to just stop everything and pour out attention and be super available. We got through it. We did look back and go, wow, that was not probably one of our better moments.

Dawn Rosinger:

The busiest seasons of our marriage in our life.

Travis Rosinger:

I think it was yeah, yeah was so crazy, but you know that's a snapshot of reality. I mean, whose life isn't crazy at times, and it ebbs and it flows. Sometimes it's fever pitch crazy, and sometimes it's just normal, Not mellow. I don't think anybody has a mellow life, but it's in those times when things are crazy that we need to have a heightened sense of wait. How is my spouse doing?

Travis Rosinger:

And it just reminds me of a conversation I had one time with a person who is struggling in their marriage, and I know that they were just kind of thinking you know, where is this marriage gonna go? And so as we began to unpack it and talk about it, it became very obvious that their spouse was struggling, and probably struggling on their own, that the one that I was talking to was succeeding and everything was going really, really well for them, but not so well for their spouse. And so it just makes me think of that passage that you just talked about. Don, you know, don't withhold good from those to whom it is due. That's your spouse, first and foremost.

Travis Rosinger:

Does your spouse need help? Are you in that place where you have the power to act? Of course you are. God has put you there. You helped decide to get there when you went to the marriage altar, and so you know, just reflecting on that, it's like once that person that I was talking to, once they realized, whoa, I could do this, I could do this, I could do that. It's like they needed a third person to just chat with and figure out wait, I do have power to act and I am in a position to do something, and that was so, so important for them. That's why we've titled this episode Stop, listen and Do Something. Act, move, make it Happen Again. It reminds us of that incident at Sam's Club.

Dawn Rosinger:

Yeah, when we saw this little girl running and flailing her arms and crying out for help and seeing that no one would stop, they weren't listening and they wouldn't act. And so, honestly, I had to look at my own life and thinking am I gonna always be there and try and help people? Am I willing to act? But then even more so, travis, am I able to stop listen and act in our own marriage? Am I listening and making sure that if you're in a place where you're flailing your arms and you're running around, am I gonna be there to step out of the line and say, hey, let me help you, let me make sure that our marriage is on track, and I wanna be the one there to help.

Travis Rosinger:

Yeah, and that's like metaphorical, Like what does that look like for each person and I think sometimes your spouse? They might be in a place where they lack confidence and they're suffering in silence. Or maybe they're hurt. Maybe they have some hurt from the past and they're struggling with that, trying to get rid of it, because maybe a family member has just done something bad to them, or a coworker it could be a lot of different things. Maybe they're struggling with their weight or they're struggling with their career. They're trying to get ahead at work everybody else is getting promoted and they're not and just trying to listen to the pain and stopping your own life and really paying attention to your spouse.

Dawn Rosinger:

I really appreciate that about you, Travis. I don't necessarily maybe verbalize something. When I'm either upset or need something, I just kind of tend to shrink back and I get quiet. And that to you, you know, man, when I kind of get quiet and shrink back, that something's probably going on in my brain, in my you know my thoughts, something I'm struggling with. And you're always quick to say, hey, are you doing okay? And you know, you know me well enough that when I pull back that, hey, no, I'm probably needing some encouragement or, you know, just some wisdom, some guidance in some direction.

Travis Rosinger:

Yeah, again, it's that acting, it's jumping into action. So what can we do? First of all, answer the question are you willing to help? Of course you are. It's your spouse, you love them, you'd probably die for them. So what can you do? Well, first of all, just Be aware. Like, are you positioned in a place in your marriage where you're aware what is truly going on? And it's kind of what you just talked about, don. It's me sensing, hey, you're getting quiet and trying to pull out from you what is actually happening. So, digging into intentional conversations, are you having intentional conversations? Are you just letting life happen and then you're having reactive conversations to whatever is melting down around you, and so really just kind of knowing your spouse and knowing about them and all the areas of their lives. What areas are they winning in what areas?

Travis Rosinger:

are they losing? In what areas are they just feeling awful and insecure about really digging into those areas out of love, out of concern?

Dawn Rosinger:

You know, once you are actually you know, making sure that you're aware, that you're being aware. Are you ready, Are you? The second one is be ready. Are you positioning yourself in a place where you are ready? Don't get caught off guard. But a lot of times, if we get caught off guard, there was probably warning signs or there was probably things that you could have noticed, you know ahead of time, but we're just not in that position. We need to be present physically and in our conversations. So physically we're there, we're in the right spot. You know we're home at night, we're having those, those date nights who are in bed having those conversations? But then you're honestly, you're just physically present in conversations as well. So you're just, you're being a very good listener. So you're, you're in the position where you're just ready to act if needed.

Travis Rosinger:

Yeah, it's interesting, I think, that we are all so ready to help others around us that sometimes we forget about our own spouse or when they are in need of help or something's happening. Maybe they're getting louder, not quieter, like you don't. Maybe you know they're. They're just talking a lot and they're upset instead of like stopping and listening and doing something. Sometimes we get annoyed by their need for help when we have already given everything away to other people and now we're depleted, and so it's really important to be ready to help your spouse first and to make sure you're taking care of them. I like how the Bible says that when a man takes care of his wife, it's like taking care of his own body, and he should be putting her first and really trying to make sure that she is well taken care of, and the same would be for the wife. Take care of your husband as if it's your own body.

Dawn Rosinger:

So then, if you are ready to help, the next thing is just to actually be helpful. Choose beforehand that you're willing to be helpful, even if it's inconvenient and you may have to make an adjustment, you know, or rearrange your schedule or like for us at Sam's Club just to step out of line to help this little girl. Be helpful, take the action needed to help, but, honestly, if it's having a conversation, if it's going to see a marriage counselor, maybe this is beyond, like something in your marriage is a struggle and you need to go that next step, going, you know, that next step and taking that action and making sure that you're helpful.

Travis Rosinger:

Yeah, this is that stop listen and then the do something. Do something. Don't just wait, Don't just watch your spouse drowned all by themselves, man, reach out ahead and pull them out of the water and do something. Charles Dickens says this come, let's be a comfortable couple and take care of each other. How glad we shall be that we have somebody we are fond of always to talk and sit with. And that is such a great just insight from him. I know it's kind of poetic too, but it's just such a great insight in terms of just being that couple that were so comfortable together that we're actually taking care of each other.

Dawn Rosinger:

I agree.

Travis Rosinger:

And being able to be there, to be able to listen and to lean on each other and to talk. Oh man, that's so good.

Dawn Rosinger:

Because if we're having those conversations, if we're talking to each other, if you're sitting with each other, you're going to know when your spouse is maybe struggling with something or needs just that extra encouragement, that extra hug, whatever it needs to meet their needs for that day. I appreciate what Charles Dickens said. The last thing how can we make sure that we are willing to help, that we're ready to help, is this be intentional about follow-up. So once you actually do the action, once you're actually helpful, be intentional about follow-up. Sometimes one circumstance is actually really exposing a much bigger problem. Be intentional about making sure that this doesn't happen again. Like if something happened, make you know, solve the problem. Make sure that it's not going to happen again. Have multiple conversations to make sure the problem is dealt with and not just swept under the rug. You know, making sure like, hey, let's deal with this head-on, not just put a band-aid on it, but really deal with the issue.

Travis Rosinger:

Yeah, and that's that long-term care, that marriage that just says I'm not going to fix it right now. I'm going to be there as well. You know we're doing what we can to heal things right now, but I'm going to be there to continue to help you. You know, month after month, year after year, let's go back to that, let's revisit that, and we've done that many times, done in our own, you know, marriage. There's been times where I've brought up things to you and usually it's like on a road trip or something. I'm like, hey, how are you doing with that? That was from 10 years ago. How are you feeling about that now? Is that all gone, you know, and just kind of digging into the things that maybe were really difficult at one point and you feel like your spouse has passed, but still going back and being intentional and digging it up just a little bit, not like digging six feet, but just kind of scratching the surface and saying, hey, do you want to go there again? Do?

Travis Rosinger:

you need to go there again. I'm available, I'm listening, I'm stopping. I want to help.

Dawn Rosinger:

Going back to the question are you willing to help? We're going to go a little bit old school, like we did with Charles Dickens, and go to a quote from George Elliott that says what greater thing is there for two human souls than to feel that they are joined for life, to strengthen each other in all labor, to rest on each other in all sorrow, to minister to each other in silent, unspeakable memories at the moment of the last parting man. That is a team, that is a husband and a wife working together, making sure that they're meeting the needs, making sure that if something's happening, the other person's well aware, they're ready to act, they're being intentional, they're being helpful. That's an incredible quote.

Travis Rosinger:

Oh, it's so good, and I love the piece where he says to strengthen each other in all labor. That's really what we're all about. That's what you and I want to be about, don, and we do our best and we want to encourage everybody out there as well to be doing that. Like ask yourself, how can I stop and listen and do something? In other words, how can I strengthen my spouse, how can I be there for them when they are weak and to strongly help them in a way that's going to get them through their tough time?

Dawn Rosinger:

Right, how can we be that team where you know when I fall down, you help me up and when you fall down, I help you up? How can we be that team together? Well, with that, we want to thank you for listening to this episode of the Loving the Fight Marriage Podcast. Remember, you can do it. You got this. Keep loving the fight. We'll see you next time.