Loving The Fight Marriage Podcast

Episode 160 | Stop Jumping to Conclusions

• Travis Rosinger and Dawn Rosinger

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Imagine your spouse does something that really makes you angry. You immediately begin to think of all the reasons why they shouldn't have done this awful thing and then you also start to think of how you are going to let them have it when you see them next. You want them to pay. You are boiling mad. But wait. Is that the best plan? Would it make more sense first to hear what your marriage partner was thinking at the time of the event and what was happening in their world that may have caused them to do what they did? Proceeding cautiously with empathy might be a much better angle than rushing to judgment!

Join hosts Travis and Dawn Rosinger as they share a funny and awkward story about a shopping trip that turned into a deeper reflection on why it isn't helpful to jump to conclusion and prejudge our spouse. A fun episode that is sure to get you analyzing your future reactions!

Travis and Dawn Rosinger are the Loving The Fight Marriage Podcast Hosts and Authors of the books, Verbalosity - 7 Steps to a Verbally Generous and More Fulfilling Marriage and their newest book, Gripping -  What Matters Most | A Life and Relationships That Hold on to You

For more information about Travis and Dawn Rosinger go to Loving The Fight

Dawn Rosinger:

Hey everyone, welcome to the Love in the Fight Marriage podcast. My name is Dawn and I'm sitting here with my husband and also my co-host, travis.

Travis Rosinger:

Yeah, I'm here and we're so glad that you guys are tuning in. It's just fun, dawn, to be able to hang out with everyone every week, but also to get a chance to sit here with you and to talk about love and life, marriage and everything in between, and especially Jesus. We love to talk about Jesus.

Dawn Rosinger:

Well, today is extra special because we actually took the last couple weeks off from this podcast.

Dawn Rosinger:

We were able to go and share with multiple groups of people and, travis, you got to share with some college students just a few weeks back and then we both shared to a group of parents, you know, separate times, and then just this last week and we were up, you know, in North Dakota and we got to share at a marriage conference. So just been so fun to be with other people. But now we're back, we can focus 100% on this podcast and love what we were able to do, but it's so fun to be here with you guys.

Travis Rosinger:

Yeah, lots of speaking opportunities. Really enjoyed the marriage conference, but every single one of those opportunities to speak was great and we're just so glad to be back in the saddle doing what we love to do most.

Dawn Rosinger:

We know what, though, this last week, something that we did was so fun, so, out of the ordinary, we got to watch two little people when I say little people, I say almost a three year old and a seven month old for what? Five, five nights, I think five nights, six days. My daughter and her husband went away kind of on an anniversary trip and they said hey, mom and dad, can you watch? Our girls are like absolutely.

Travis Rosinger:

Like, why would?

Dawn Rosinger:

we ever say no to that, so it was so much fun.

Travis Rosinger:

Yeah. So you know, maybe you're thinking by now, wait a second, why are they talking so much about themselves at the beginning of every episode of their podcast? So part of it is we're just people, we're humans.

Dawn Rosinger:

Normal, everyday people.

Travis Rosinger:

We're not machines and we just want to get to know you guys and we want you guys to get to know us and sharing about how we get to hang out with our granddaughters for that five, nine, six days, man, that's just part of how we roll and what we're doing in life, that we're crazy active and love to you know, be going and doing things, but really just enjoying the people that God has placed in our lives.

Dawn Rosinger:

It's funny because, as much as we love being with our granddaughters man, it's an incredible week it really made me a hundred percent even more so respect working mom and dad's, people who go to work every day and they're raising these two you know families, these little human beings along the way, Because it was tough, Some of those mornings we would get up and I would feed the girls and get them already, combed their hair, brushed their teeth, get the better.

Dawn Rosinger:

And then, you know, the nanny came, and then I had to go work a full day, like a completely full day, and come back and you know feed them again, you know bathe them, and hang out with them and get them ready for a week. Super busy, but I'm like I want to enjoy every single one of these moments. But we were working. So if you are working, mom and dad, and you have little people in your house, good job Way to go.

Travis Rosinger:

Yeah.

Dawn Rosinger:

You're just rock stars and all that you do and you probably need to be told that more often. But, man, you guys have a tough job.

Travis Rosinger:

It's a really tough job. Of course, we respect moms that stay home as well, but man, those that work, just there's just so much going on. Really, raising kids all the way across is a big responsibility, so lots of respect for you mom and dads out there.

Dawn Rosinger:

Well, on to the point of this episode about a week and a half ago, we're on our way, or planning to go, to this marriage conference that we were speaking at and mine at North Dakota. We suddenly realized that there was this epic snowstorm moving in that area.

Travis Rosinger:

Like a big one, 13 inches. Yes, wow.

Dawn Rosinger:

And it wasn't just a winter storm watch, it was a winter storm warning, and so every day it felt like it was building, like the accumulations of the snow was getting greater and greater. So we had to make sure that we were going to leave at the right time. Again, might not North Dakota? People are like, well, why don't you just cancel? Or, you know, maybe they'll cancel. I'm like no, no, no, you don't understand. These are North Dakotans, they don't cancel anything, they will not cancel.

Travis Rosinger:

Yeah, they know how to live. They know how to live 12 months out of the year.

Dawn Rosinger:

They know how to drive in snow and plus we were just excited to go and be apart. So we watched, like I said, we were watching the weather and we saw this little pocket, so and we were talking with the pastor and with also with just the other people at the church that were helping put them this conference, and so we decided that we were going to drive pretty much like four or five hours just straight west and then we would make our way up there.

Travis Rosinger:

Yeah, and the whole point or the idea behind what we were doing. I mean, it's like a seven, eight hour drive, and so we wanted to drive. You know, yes, during this winter storm warning that's going to dump 13 inches of snow, but we wanted to put ourselves as close to the edge of that storm, but not drive in it and then spend the night and then let the 13 inches fall, and then the next day we'd get up and we had drive to.

Dawn Rosinger:

You know, this conference that we were going to speak at yes, and that winter storm morning was going to be over at five AM so we thought, oh, we'll just wait till the storm morning's over and then nine o'clock, we'll go ahead and make our way up. So we stopped in this town for the night and, honestly, the drive there, the four or five hours there, was great. The roads are still really, really good. They were just a little bit wet from the rain, and so we stayed in Jamestown, north Dakota, and we were in a really nice hotel and right next to our hotel was a TJ Maxx, and so TJ Maxx is a clothing store that I like and I'm like man. We have the whole night. I know we're going to go over our stuff that we're speaking on.

Travis Rosinger:

Yeah, preparing for the conference.

Dawn Rosinger:

Grab some supper, but we have a couple hours to spend. So we even worked out in the hotel. But I'm like, hey, I would love to go into that. Tj Maxx.

Travis Rosinger:

So we went and got a bite to eat, enjoyed ourselves kind of relaxed, but again just trying to mentally prepare. And then we fulfilled your wish, don. We went to TJ Maxx and then something crazy went down.

Dawn Rosinger:

Yeah it's something that was very unexpected. I know you found like one or two shirts and I found a shirt and then an outfit for one of my granddaughters, and so I went up to pay for my clothes and I handed them a $50 bill. And this $50 bill I had in my wallet for just a couple of weeks because it was left over from our trip to Texas, and so I was like excited I kind of had saved this money for something. I'm like oh, I don't need this shirt, but I have this extra money so I'm going to pay for it. Well, I gave the gal at the register this $50 bill and she ran it through this special machine.

Travis Rosinger:

Yeah, like a machine I've never seen before. I think it's new, new technology or something.

Dawn Rosinger:

And then she, you know, walked away and then she walked to the cash register next to her and she ran that same $50 bill through this machine. And then she came back and she called her manager over.

Travis Rosinger:

Yeah, and her face kept getting, you know, a little more contorted every time Like she'd understand.

Dawn Rosinger:

Well, she called her manager over and he did the same thing. He took my $50 bill and put it through this machine and he went and did it to another machine and he came back. He's like, hey, we can't take this $50 bill. And I'm like why? He's like cause we think it could be counterfeit. Like it's not, it's not passing this test from this machine. I'm like what are you talking about? And I remember looking at you. I'm like wait, this is left over from our trip. We got this $50 bill from Wells Fargo, our bank here in the city. I'm like this came straight from a bank. This is not a counterfeit $50 bill. There is no way I go. And so I just looked at him like really, so you can't take my money.

Travis Rosinger:

You were stunned. You were like I remember looking at the shock on your face Like they're not going to take my money and I was stunned. I wish I had a video of my face because I'm thinking wait a second, I just went out on a date out to eat and to go shopping with a criminal. My wife is a criminal. She's trying to pass off a $50 counterfeit bill.

Dawn Rosinger:

No, don't even see that. That's funny. I honestly I was in shock. So I gave them, you know just my debit card and they ran it and it's funny they accepted that, but but the rest of the night it just it freaked my brain out. Like I kept talking about it. I can't believe they didn't take like this isn't counterfeit. We got this from Wells Fargo. There's no way this could be counterfeit.

Travis Rosinger:

We, we work jobs. We get real money from real banks? Apparently not, though, but we, we think we do.

Dawn Rosinger:

And it's funny because even throughout the rest of the night I was going over my material and that I would look at you like I can't believe that happened. How did that happen? I'm not a counterfeit Like why didn't they take my money? And I was super offended that they didn't take my money.

Travis Rosinger:

It was a new experience. I think that's the thing it was.

Dawn Rosinger:

Something has never happened to me before I'm like we've never had that happen. No, never. And so I asked the lady actually at the TJ Maxx I'm like, has this happened before? She was like, yeah, it's happened a couple of times, but anyways, it just messed up my brain for that night. So I'm like I'm not a counterfeit, but I kept feeling like I was a counterfeit because they refused, they wouldn't take that money and they had this look like maybe this is counterfeit for real.

Travis Rosinger:

Yeah. And when you say you kind of felt like you were a counterfeit or we're like, hey, I'm not, you're just talking about fraud. Like you're not trying to portray that you're one thing and really you're another, like you're an honest person with an honest $50 bill and maybe their machine went bad. Maybe we did get a bad one from the bank, I don't know.

Dawn Rosinger:

No, I don't know, but I had it when I went back to the hotel and I was just thinking about it more, and even the next couple of days I actually had to look up the word counterfeit in the dictionary. I'm like what does this mean? If they think I'm a counterfeit, what does it mean? And the definition for? Is this made in an exact imitation of something valuable or important with the intention to deceive or defraud? Wow, With the intention to deceive or defraud. So I didn't necessarily care about them thinking that that money, that that $50 bill, I didn't care if that was counterfeit. I didn't want them to think I was counterfeit. I was trying to deceive them or defraud them in any way and it just tortured my brain so much so that what did we do the next morning? I was like Travis, this is not a counterfeit $50 bill. I know it's not. I can see the little string in there I hold it up to a light.

Travis Rosinger:

It looked so real. There's no way it was counterfeit, not even a chance.

Dawn Rosinger:

You know what I have? To make sure that this isn't counterfeit. So we went to another store and it passed the test.

Travis Rosinger:

It was fine.

Dawn Rosinger:

They took the $50 bill. It wasn't counterfeit.

Travis Rosinger:

It really was their machine?

Dawn Rosinger:

Yeah, it was the machine that this TJ Max had been using. That wasn't working properly. That made me feel like I was a criminal.

Travis Rosinger:

It would have been funny if you had been handcuffed, though that would have been like all the way to the edge of them putting you in the back of a squad car and then they realized it's a real $50. Anyway, just kidding, but it was intense and weird, weird.

Dawn Rosinger:

Well, it was nice to know that this other store took my money, my $50 bill, and I just knew that the machine that they were using wasn't working properly, because I actually felt justified in that moment and I felt not guilty. I felt like I had a clean slate. But the reason I tell you guys that story again because I kind of messed with my brain for a while. We shared that at the conference even. But how many times do we do that in life with people, or even our spouses? We prejudge someone, or maybe we misjudge someone, or maybe we hear the wrong information or misinterpret the wrong information and we accuse them of something that isn't even true, kind of like they thought that was counterfeit. So in turn I felt like I was a counterfeit, that I was a fraud. How many times do we just jump to conclusions without getting all the facts?

Travis Rosinger:

Yeah, we do that constantly. In fact, it's maybe human nature, but it's certainly a part of our culture, every culture around the world. There are many cultures where people just judge others and jump to conclusions. I was reading a book today by Jamie Kern Lima, and she was talking about how it's never right to judge other people because you don't know their story, you don't know what's going through their mind at that moment, you don't know what's happening, and so we should allow judgment to be reserved fully, totally, by God.

Dawn Rosinger:

And I think this is super important in marriage Like, how do we make sure that we're not prejudging our spouses or thinking something of them that isn't accurate, like you said? I think we just don't. We shouldn't jump to conclusions. We need to get all the facts before making a judgment. Ultimately, honestly, we just need to give our spouses the benefit of the doubt, right, like I just need to be like nope, I trust you, I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt. I don't know how, all the facts. I'm just going to fully believe in you.

Dawn Rosinger:

Well, I found a study it's called the Journal of Happiness Study, and researchers found that people who gave others the benefit of the doubt all the time were actually happier compared to the participants who always blamed others. People who only sometimes gave others the benefit of the doubt were also happier as long as they put enough value on relationships and belonging in their lives. You know, the study suggests that giving people the benefit of the doubt is a practice to improve our relationships and our well-being. Assuming others have good intentions, particularly the people we already know and love, will make the world seem like a friendlier place. I love this whole study. I love that, the benefits of giving people that benefit of the doubt, you just become happier.

Travis Rosinger:

Yeah, and I think the big thing that this study is pointing towards and again it's Journal of Happiness Study but I think it's saying look, they become happier. They're suspending judgment. They're just trying to give people the benefit of the doubt. But the thing that it's not saying, but it's still pointing to, it's good communication. I mean good listening, good talking, asking good questions, drilled down questions. Instead of freaking out and losing your mind on your spouse, they're just saying, hey, what's going on? It looks like things are a little bit tough for you right now you know, and not judging or accusing, and I think that's really important.

Travis Rosinger:

I have a supervisor who said to me once he said, when my team members, my employees that answer to me, when they do things that are off the wall and not anything I would have told them they should do or would want them to do, they just kind of did something on their own and kind of goofed up, he says, instead of accusing them, he comes to them and says hey, how have I failed you? Like did I fail you? Did I do something that maybe misled you? And so he almost like takes responsibility for something they maybe have done, just so he can also get to the bottom of what's going on?

Dawn Rosinger:

You know, when I think back to that TJ Maxx moment, travis, I'm so thankful that in that moment that you knew my character and that you didn't doubt me. If you would have, like, looked at me and like, oh yeah, she is guilty. Or like if in any way I would have felt like there was guilt coming from you that you didn't believe me, it would have just crushed me in the moment. Maybe if you would have said, hey, maybe you are kind of fit and doubted me in any way, that would have been horrible for our relationship. Or if you would have judged me, I would have just been devastated. But I know that you know the true me. You know that I would never do anything like that, ever. I mean to pass a counterfeit bill, but I would never. Even I wouldn't even know how to do that.

Travis Rosinger:

Yeah.

Dawn Rosinger:

I would have been devastated.

Travis Rosinger:

I think the worst thing you've ever done is maybe baked chocolate chip cookies without the chocolate chips Like nothing bad at all. You're just a rule follower. You're not somebody who's going to try to do something wrong, and so of course I absolutely do not doubt your character or integrity on any level.

Dawn Rosinger:

And it's great because honestly, I feel like coming from you in that moment and just in general it talks about making sure that you're giving your spouse the benefit of that. But it shares this the most in 1 Corinthians 13, 7, it just explains this the best and it says love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. So true love hopes all things that you, true love, gives your spouse the benefit of the doubt.

Travis Rosinger:

And we need that. We need that in our marriages, especially during moments where it's high stress or high pressure or the kids are driving us crazy, or maybe we haven't had that time to bust away from the family and just have our alone time and really connect and bond, and so things can be going off the rails and that's the moment we need to take the deep breath and to suspend judgment and to really not judge, not jump to conclusions.

Dawn Rosinger:

Yeah, and I think maybe we need to just dig a little bit deeper into what you said. So in those moments where it's stressful or you're wondering, how do we give our spouses the benefit of the doubt? And, like you said a little bit ago, like communication. But the first thing is don't jump to conclusions. Get the facts as to what and why something happened. So know the story, what happened before, what happened after. Just make sure that you get all of the facts.

Travis Rosinger:

Yeah, and I think part of not jumping to conclusions is keep your emotions in check, right? Because if you jump to conclusions, your emotions just want to jump out.

Dawn Rosinger:

Yes.

Travis Rosinger:

Yeah, and then your emotions attack your spouse. So I love that you pointed out. Don to not jump to conclusions. The second thing that we would encourage you is put yourself in their shoes. If, all of a sudden, there's this tension point and you're wondering what is going on with your spouse and you want to judge them, you got to stop and say, well, what are they experiencing right now and how are they feeling? I mean, what would you want them to think about you in their same?

Travis Rosinger:

situation Go oh my gosh. I mean there were times, don, where you'd be gone for a night and you'd come home and I had the kids in all hell broke loose while you were gone and the place was a mess. But there was some reasons and maybe why that took place.

Dawn Rosinger:

Another way to give your spouse the benefit of the doubt is just to consider their character and their past behavior or patterns. If it's something they've never done before in the past, they probably haven't done that in the future. I've never given a fraudulent $50 bill, so why, in that moment, would you ever think that? I decided hey, I'm going to just make all these $50 bills and give them.

Travis Rosinger:

Right, it's not consistent with your character.

Travis Rosinger:

Yeah, yeah, and I think part of what we're talking about is metacognition. I was sitting in church the other day and it just hit me metacognition. I'm like is that a concept? Is that a word? I looked it up and sure enough it is. It's the idea of thinking about your thoughts on a large scale, like in a meta kind of larger scale sort of way, and so I never think of you as a dishonest person or a person who's going to try to cheat or steal or whatever. My thoughts about you consistently, on a regular basis, are good, because you are a great person, a great spouse, and so, yeah, man, just considering their character.

Travis Rosinger:

And the last thing would be think about all the positive things in your spouse, like man, just value them, be grateful and in that moment where you want to, you know, let your emotions be out of control and jump to conclusions, just stop and go. But wait, what did they bring to the table that I am not recognizing and I need to right now, in this moment?

Dawn Rosinger:

And I think that's really important. If you're in a place where you can't get all the facts or all the details let's say you're not able to have that conversation with your spouse think about all the positive things in your spouse at that moment. So then it will help you not jump to those conclusions. Ultimately, you just have to extend trust to your spouse. That's what, given the benefit of the doubt, is say, hey, you've earned this trust and I'm going to extend this trust to you.

Travis Rosinger:

Yeah, well, you know there are a lot of marriages that are out there right now that are listening down to this episode, to this podcast, that are struggling, that are discouraged, maybe individuals that are discouraged. So we just wanted to remind you guys, as you listen to this, and the sound of our voice says God loves you. God is with you in your pain. You are not alone, oh man, just be praying and seeking God and giving your spouse the benefit of the doubt. Don't give up on your marriage. Fight for your marriage. It's worth it. Man, evil and the enemy will tell you to just push the divorce button, jump ship, yell, mutiny, get out of there. And you know what the honest to God truth is that real love, strong love, is going to last. It's going to make it. You've got what it takes. Keep fighting Right.

Dawn Rosinger:

You know, one of the things I love the most about this podcast is that we can just look at our everyday life and see the things that happen and how it relates to marriage, and then we're able to learn so many life lessons just every day and just encourage you guys with that. So hopefully that's what this podcast did to you in the moment of you know, me and TJ Max getting this, this sweat just beating on my brow, I think.

Dawn Rosinger:

I'm going to go to jail and this $50, but hey, I'm so grateful that I have a spouse who gave me the benefit of the doubt, trust me and knows that I am not a criminal. But with that, we want to thank you for listening to this episode of the loving the fight marriage podcast. Remember, you can do it. You got this. Keep loving the fight.

Travis Rosinger:

We'll see you next time, yeah.